Stereotyping Romance
by gedatsu-kitteh
Summary: ...Or maybe this was just a horrible alternate universe inside a teenage fangirl’s mind where nothing made sense and all the boys were drop dead sexy.[StanKyle][KennyCartmanButters][CraigClydeTweek]and others. PAHRUHDEEEE!
1. Chapter 1

Stereotyping Romance

By Gedatsu-Kitteh

Chapter One:

Bob the Emo Lunch Table- Don't Judge Him!

The chatter of children echoed through out the lunchroom like the sound of waves bouncing about in a sea shell. Today was a good day. The first day of 8th grade; which meant, as of now the former 7th graders were given official permission to kick younger preteen ass. They had no one to rule over them.

It also meant that whoever got into the lunchroom first would be able to claim the "special" table in the very back of the cafeteria for themselves. It was a ridiculous tradition- void of logic, but this was South Park and here everything was void of logic.

Kenny had almost died (for the third time that week) squeezing through the cafeteria double doors in an attempt to reserve the table. The hallway was so crowded, if the school were an actual body, it would have died from clogged arteries.

Kenny gasped for air as he collapsed onto the table shouting, "DIBS!" marking his conquest. Too bad he didn't have any little red flags. He breathed heavily and relaxed into his seat, waiting for the others to make their way passed the mosh-pit of students fighting for the good tables. Kenny swore he saw a kid being launched into the air.

First to appear out of the smoke was Stan, followed by Kyle clinging desperately to his arm, shaking slightly. Kenny lifted his head and grinned at them. Stan grinned back. Kyle pouted, mumbling something about this not being worth decapitation.

Cartman was next coughing and shouting, shaking his fist at the cloud of dust decorated with many violent limbs; Butters was clinging to the back of his shirt for dear life, being half dragged across the floor.

They had all changed over the course of four years, mostly for the better. Stan was the tallest of the five and famous for his proficiency in sports. He was recognizably one the "Hottest" guys in school; second actually next to Craig, and Kenny was third. But that was only if you followed girly gossip. His blue yes stood out beautifully from behind his long black bangs, slightly pushed over to the side. His hair had grown longer now and it covered his ears and stopped just below the lobes. He was actually very lean, not buff at all as some would expect, but powerful in sports none the less.

His best friend Kyle, whom he was now leading to the safety of their table, had probably changed the most drastically. His fro had grown less wild and now shaped his face as whispy firey curls, contrasting perfectly with his bright green eyes. Kyle was naturally petite and had abandoned sports devoting his time to more academic activities. Sometimes when next to Stan, he was mistaken for a girl. And usually, to his distain (and Cartman's pleasure), Stan's girlfriend. Kyle would just have to come to accept that God had graced him with child bearing hips.

Kenny had really grown up himself. He abandoned his orange hood and allowed his naturally blond spiky hair to show complementing his baby blue eyes. Form first glance he seemed to be one of the world's most innocent creatures, but with a flash of his grin, rendering both women and men alike speechless, you absolutely _knew _he was South Park's biggest whore (see why he's considered smexy?). He was second tallest next to Stan, but also the skinniest. It was a bit disturbing to see him without a shirt. His ribs practically popped out of his skin and didn't help that he was so pale. This was probably what kept him at 3rd place on the "hotness" list.

Cartman hadn't changed much to be honest. He may have slimmed down a tiny bit, but if you saw him everyday it was unnoticeable. Yep, Cartman was still a racist, sadistic, bloated walking mass of protoplasm. Kenny always thought it was such a waste. Not that anyone else would notice, but behind all the fat and evil, Eric Cartman was very handsome. Not cute like Kyle, hot like Stan, but just handsome in a classic sort of way. Kenny decided it was the way his hair was cut and his eyes. Kenny was surprisingly perceptive, for one who barely passed his classes. He wasn't stupid… just lazy. Not to mention sexually compulsive.

Since we're on the topic of intelligence, the author would like to say that Kyle Broflovski was only 2nd in the school to Wendy Testaburger. 3rd VERY surprisingly- was Eric Cartman.

Now that that's out of the way…

Last but not least would be Butters, the shortest of the entire 8th grade body, who hadn't changed at all save for his height. The author also suspects there was a lengthening in eye lashes. …And now that she takes a better look, there was probably a widening in hips too; but just slightly. Over the years Butters had attached himself to the abusive Cartman and they were rarely seen without the other. Why Cartman never complained remains a mystery.

Stan flopped down on the table dragging Kyle along for the ride.

"Dude!" He glanced at Kenny, grinning his approval. "You got us, like, the best table EVER!" Dramatically he hugged the table and kissed it. "Let's call him Bob."

Kenny snickered. Kyle raised an eyebrow.

"…Bob?" Kyle gave Stan that "Oh HEEEELLLZZZ NO! You di'n jus' name mah table _Bob_!" look.

"Ooooooor…" Stan flashed a smile over to the kosher boy, leaning in close letting their noses touch. Kenny's smile left his face and he watched (a little too) intently. Kyle swallowed hard, feeling his face heat up. He could feel Stan's breath on his lips. His beautiful blue eyes were locked with his. Lord all mighty when did he stop breathing?! "…We could name it 'Kyle's really sexy'."

Before Kyle could even process what was being said to him, the mood, much to the three boys' disappointment, was interrupted by Cartman's hysterical laughter.

"I knew it!!" He pointed a finger in the boys' direction, barely unable to stand. It was a miracle Butters was somehow able to support him. "You guys are totally, like, homo for each other!!"

Stan just glanced at him, lower lip sticking out and eyes half lidded in an annoyed expression. But Kyle went absolutely insane. Ya know… it's the Jew genes.

For someone so tiny it was hard to imagine how endearingly frightening he was when he was angry- eyes burning, face flush, nostrils flaring, and somehow the way he stood on his tip toes and hunched over gave someone the impression of a bull. A very angry Jewish bull. With freckles. And a charm bracelet with half a heart reading "Best". Such ferocity only existed in children's nightmares.

Ok, so maybe he wasn't "endearingly frightening", pathetic maybe; or "adorable" quoting Stan (of course the comment was used in the most plutonic and manly of ways). But an angry Kyle was still quite scary- if you knew that under the "I'm a nerd so for the love of all that is holy please pants me and call me 'fag'" look he could actually do some major damage.

"YOU FAT FUCKING SON OF A WHORE!!" Kyle, reverting to a feral state, leapt across the table clawing at anything that was Cartman.

Stan squeaked a little (but it was a MANLY squeak!) and his eyes widened in fear at Kyle's unexpected animalistic turn. "DUDE!" Stan grabbed Kyle by the waist hauling him off the fat-ass. Kyle spewed random insults swinging his fists violently in Cartman's direction. "Jesus Kyle! Calm down! It's not like it's true anyway!"

Kyle fell limp in Stan's arms. Kenny coughed awkwardly. Butters was stiff with fear. And somewhere out there a neglected table named Bob wept and proceeded to write horrible emo poetry.

Cartman rose to his feet examining his recently acquired scratches along his forearms. "God damn crazy Jew…" He mumbled before sitting back down at Bob, folding his abused arms across his chest. Today was going to be a good day. No Jew fags were going to ruin his basking in his "I'm an 8th grader now :D" glory. Oh how glorious it was.

Kyle snarled still in Stan's arms.

After what seemed to be a little too long Stan gently placed Kyle back on the ground. "Uhh…" Stan was at a loss. He nudged Kyle's shoulder lightly. "Let's go sit down, kay?"

Kyle folded his arms and sighed. "I'm not hungry." He mumbled pouting in that way that made Stan totally (not) want to molest him.

Stan's blue eyes glazed over and a grin spread across his face. Oh yeah. He would totally not tap that. "C'mooooon…" He whined joining Kyle in his pouting party making sure to give him the "Bambi eyes". He'd get Kyle to bend. He had magical Kyle bending powers after all. "You know you can't resist the alluring nature of Bob."

Kyle pursed his lips obviously fighting the smile tugging at his lips.

Stan grinned, noticing Kyle's inner turmoil. "You know you want toooo…" He sang poking Kyle's now flush cheeks lightly. Suddenly the distance between them wasn't all that large. Stan leaned in slowly dragging out the moment quite painfully. His lips brushed Kyle's ear for only a millisecond before he whispered. _"-I_- know you want to…"

Kyle felt hot tingles shoot threw his body, numbing his brain and destroying all hope for any kind of verbal response.

Stan giggled (in a completely masculine way of course) flicking the tip of Kyle's blushing nose with his index finger, before leaning in once again to look Kyle in the eyes. Aww! He was so embarrassed. "Aww, Kyle you're so cute…"

Silence.

Kyle stood in front of Stan a shocked look flashing through his eyes before moving them to the floor in an attempt to hide his giddy smile behind his hair. Lord, his legs felt like jelly and he felt as if his heart was literally flying clear out of his chest.

"Uhh. I mean-" Stan immediately drew back in a panic. I'm guessing that thought wasn't meant to be vocalized. "Pretty- NO wait! I meant uh, red- I uh-" His arms sped about in frantic gestures. "I mean- I… havetogotothebathroomkaythanksbye!"

Kyle lifted his head in time to see raven hair disappearing between large double doors.

AN: aw man! I didn't want it to get so lovey-dovey so soon ( oh well, what happens happens. SO this is basically a parody of all those school/high school fics out there. Though I do love some of them they get a bit boring. Review and I'll feed the homeless to the hungry. :D lol. But seriously, Mogwai is waiting to be fed guys. …That was a Dane Cook joke btw.


	2. Chapter 2

Kenny sat with Cartman and Butters watching Kyle chase after Stan. Maybe they'll finally confess. Maybe they'll have sex in the boy's bathroom. Maybe they'll let him watch. Maybe Cartman will become a size 4. Kenny frowned. Reality continues to ass rape him with shot guns.

"W-where're those two goin'?" Butters spoke, teeth breaking into a PB&J sandwich.

Cartman sighed uninterested. "Prolly screwin each other like the little ass rammers they are." He always had such an apathetic attitude towards everything; except maybe hippies and Jews. …And food.

Kenny rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I wish." He rested his chin on Bob smiling as his imagination sent him on trips of pretty Stan and Kyle ecstasy. He felt kind of dirty, like he should be paying someone to think about this. But that just made it all the more exciting. Not too long after a puddle of drool collected under Kenny's chin.

Cartman looked up stating at Kenny in silence before speaking. "Kenneh, please do humanity a favor and play in some heavy traffic." Though Kenny's perversions were annoying as hell, he still wondered exactly how Kenny's brain was wired; he didn't know why it intrigued him, it just did.

Butters giggled robotically. Though he liked Kenny, he did not want to upset his idol.

It wasn't well known but Cartman actually had many admirers. Kenny knew this; he was one of them. He knew Wendy has had her eye on him for a while now. Sure he was an ass and deserved to rot in hell, but he was one smart mofo; strong and apathetic as well.

Over time Kenny had noticed Clyde was coming to respect Cartman more and more. There was no doubt he looked up to him, identifying with his opinions most of the time. There was that whole ginger kids incident and that time they tried to steal the fortune teller from the girls. While inside the class room they seemed to be a team, naturally drawn to each other in times of class debate; but outside (while still remaining civil) they barely acknowledged each other's presence.

Kenny let Cartman's comment slide. They all seemed to be doing that lately (save for Kyle who always had a bit of a temper); Kenny decided the extra patience was probably due to everyone's good mood and tingly 8th grader-ness excitement. Or maybe this was just a horrible alternate universe inside a teenage fangirl's mind where nothing made sense and all the boys were drop dead sexy. Cause ya know, everyone in fanfiction needs to be hot. Ugliness is intolerable and if anyone is found guilty of writing fanfiction depicting boys who aren't beautiful will be beaten senseless with sharp evil Satan sticks what eat your babies. :B

Kenny watched Butters attempt to attach himself to Cartman's arm for a while before being thrown to the floor with a grumble of "Bad Butters" from Cartman. Getting bored he sighed to himself and once again began debating whether or not to go after Stan and Kyle.

Stan bolted through the bathroom door running straight to the sink and screaming at the top of his lungs into his reflection:

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" He gestured at the mirror wildly. "YOU'RE NOT EVEN GAY! YOU WERE JUST PRETEN-"

He heard the door open and slam followed by light foot steps.

"Stan?" He heard Kyle's shaking voice.

He whirled around immediately grabbing Kyle's face and shouting nonsense, stuck in freak out mode.

"AM I GAY?! I'M NOT GAY! I SWEAR I'M NOT G-" Suddenly he seemed to realize just how close his face was to his best friends. Or rather "Stan Jr." seemed to notice.

Stan threw his hands in the air and screamed at the ceiling in frustration.

"WHY GOD?! WHY?!"

"Stan?" The hurt and rejected Kyle attempted to reach Stan once again. He honestly had no clue how to interpret this. He was pretty sure Stan didn't either.

A few more tries and now Kyle was just getting fed up. God damn it Stan WOULD listen to him. He smirked and walked over to place a kiss on Stan's rambling lips.

Oh. My. God.

He shut up.

Kyle breathed out a sigh of relief and hugged his still dazed unresponsive but at least silent Stan. Thank you Jebus.

Kyle felt something poking his thy; and before he even got to wonder what the hell it could be he was shoved away and forced to watch Stan harshly reprimand his crotch.

"STOP GOD DAMMIT YOU FRIGGIN SON OF BITCH!!" Stan

Stan stopped to watch his best friend rolling around on the floor in literally- uncontrollable laughter.

"Kyle?" He laughed harder.

"Kyle." Same response.

"Dammit Kyle!" Stan screamed, face flush.

"Stan! Sta- OH MY GAH-!" It was no use. He'd gone off the deep end. They both had.

Stan glared at his crotch. "This is all YOUR fault! You ruined my life you selfish BASTARD!"

About two minutes later Kenny came waltzing through the doors "checking" on Stan and Kyle. Ya know… to see if they were ok. I mean of they were having sex that was just a bonus. Bros before hoes as they say…

Now; Kenny was expecting something extreme. Either they were fucking each others brains out… or one of them decided to be the retard and pull some bullshit drama like denial while the other was left sobbing on the floor slitting their wrists. If "B" turned out to be reality he mentally reminded himself: "Down the road, not across the street." At least he could assist in suicide.

But what Kenny had definitely NOT been expecting was exactly what he found.

Stan was now repeatedly yelling "_IHateYouIHateYouIHateYou_" at his penis.

…And Kyle was slamming his head repeatedly into the wall screeching in laughter. He caught a glimpse of Kenny's dead-pan expression and the game was over. Say good bye to Kyle, he's never coming back.

A/N: I'm so sorry guys… this took so much longer than expected. I actually had the 2nd chp done like, 3 months ago… but I just got around to editing it now soo… yeh. BTW!! THIS IS A PARODY PEOPLE!!! PAH-RUH-DEEEE.


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